Dancing in the dark. Shadows in the mist. The ground beneath me falls apart, and I envision a better day than grasping for outcomes.
The person I am now defined by the challenges I’ve had to endure seem much more positioned in failure and lack, striving to achieve so much more than I hoped to accomplish.
Presenting a clear picture inside me of what I have seemingly hoped to achieve and ground by force into this dimension.
So much strife and frustration has presented in my life over the past 9 months, that make me feel like nine is the loneliest number that there ever was. I bring together these words and convey that a better way forward must await me and I’m very grateful that it is presenting itself as such.
The vision I was hoping to achieve thus changed, because I have been purified to the point of no return.
A finding that I have never understood would complete me , and yet all that I want is to feel sound and stable and my body mind and spirit. Mostly and mainly my body for selfish and obvious reasons.
This completes a cycle, and chapter.
How I viewed and continue to view the mediums of fashion that so greatly influenced my complete being from the age of three. A medium very dear to me. One that I used to not only express my being at a point in my life where I was completely suppressed and oppressed culturally , but that also allowed me to feel the freedom and joy of being your true self in a very outward expression.
Now that I’ve had to stop for quite some time creating in the ways I’ve always known how, much more comes to the surface and explains to me what this meant all along. How much more service can be attractive then adornment, no matter how connected it may feel.
A dance in the dark that I’m doing with my shadow self. Fearing how much my well-being can interfere with my health and my dreams. Yet all the while hoping for solution and enduring this progress and process of purification.
I belong to a new tribe now.
One that I’m getting to know clearly, and being taught what I am for the purpose of a means unknown to me .
I bring this vision to these pages, grateful for the opportunity to connect, serve, share and be. All the while fighting off the fear of what may come.
I belong to a new tribe now.
I choose to believe that much in my path can see a better circumstance and honor for having been through so much challenge in ways that I never would’ve suspected.
Enduring so much and at times wanted to completely give up hope. Possessing shame over not being able to create in the ways I hoped I would.
So much envisioning of the future, hopes for what I thought all this is only to have it stopped yet again by obstacles that I brought me unshakable fear and stagnation. I could never understand or believe how and why by now it is all come to mean something different to me.
I’m not sure yet all of what this means.
This purification process has affected every facet of my being and often feels like alien.tv due to the sheer frankness of it all.
What awaits on the other side I’m hoping to endure. I measure this all based on the tragedy of what I thought I should be, and wish to become.
Now my intention is :
Through the fears, the lacks, the doubts and worry, I can only believe that what is presenting is a sign for what is meant to be.
Completely in the process, longingly hoping to connect with others over, knowing and hoping that I’m not alone.
Being proud that I’m being given the opportunity to let go of all the garbage that I may have picked up along the way.
I feel quality has gone missing, making me that much more determined to invest and share quality as a spirit going through a scary shift and transformation.
Ever present and enduring faith shaking circumstance for an outcome I have yet to grasp.
All I can do now is wait, share, and serve with what is presenting for me and to me.